Thursday, December 29, 2011

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

First.

Holidays alone.
At least without her.
It's hard going.
But going well at the same time.
Hard in that its different.
Different to not decorate with her.
Not shop with her.
Or for her.
Just weird that its all so different.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Dreams.

Wouldn't it be nice to just dream?
Wouldn't it be nice to not be reminded of the past everytime I close my eyes?
Nightmares are back full force.
At least the nights I sleep at home.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Invader.

Trying to read.
Have a conversation.
Anything.
I'm easily distracted.
By one thing.
Seems pretty consistent.
Not a bad thing.
But it could be...

For now I'll just enjoy.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Yep.

Baked cookies.
Going to moms to learn to crochet.
Yep feeling good.
:).

Thursday, November 3, 2011

This?

Will this hurt me?
Or make me stronger?
How bad of a plan can it be?

Quit.

Can I quit?
Just stay in bed all day?
I just can't shake this.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Really?

"Make me smile?"
"How?"
"Dunno" and I explain what's wrong.
Response?
"Aww."
Really?
So helpful.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Just.

Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
Keep my head above water.
Don't let the current drag me down.
Drowning isn't an option.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Break.

I need a break.
I need a small amount of me time.
But I can't get it (take it when it's there).
I feel like I'm suffocating when I get a little alone time.
I feel like I'm trapped and won't be able to reach anyone.
I've started getting so down again lately.
I'm trying to ignore it.
I don't know what to do.

Just so you know.

Your kind of an ass.
You drive me insane sometimes.
I hate my phone when your name comes up once in awhile.
But then there's the time when all I want is to talk to you.
You make me smile constantly.

Why do you have to be so aggravating?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Me.

Getting back to who I was.
Who I was so long ago.
I lost me so long ago.
I had lost the kellyness that I was.
So many years ago, I don't even know that many people that know who I was.
B does.
She sees me coming back.
I feel me coming back.
The nervousness I've felt the past probably ten years is fading.
I don't have the fear of almost everything anymore.
I feel like I'm living for me again.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Just is.

Learning new things.
Like to shoot.
Like to have feelings for someone new.
Really enjoying everything.
Like his company.
:)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Manic much?

To say I had a manic episode yesterday would be a hell of an understatement.
Woke up in a great mood that lasted most of the morning.
Then she called.
Really?
Apparently I just was not in a place to deal with one of our fights.
I spent the day hyper as hell chain smoking as best I could well at work.
Had to have driven courtney nuts since I talked nonstop about basically nothing.
Shaking the whole time bouncing all over.
I need to get to the doctor soon.
If this is going to be my reaction to a lot of things, which it seems like it will be.
I'm in for a ride that I am in no way prepared for.

A little scared.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Where?

Where has this year gone?
Feels like it shouldn't be September yet.
I don't remember much of March or April.
It's like I went to sleep and woke up at the end of July almost.
Lost Lisa in January.
Lost papa in March.
Lost everything after that.
But have gained a new me in the process.
I'm beginning to like me.
I still have horrid days I don't want to move.
Being next door to B will help those days a lot.
I've got the new job I love, a great new car and an awesome new place to call my own.
And of course all of my friends that have helped me more then they will ever know.
The rest of the year can only be good, right?
I mean I don't have much farther I could fall.
I'm slowly creeping out of this depression.
All I can keep doing is one day at a time and hope for the best.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

New.

One week.
New car.
New guy.
Seeing where things go with him.
Good so far.
New place to live in the next few weeks, once it's finished.
And still loving the job.

Dinner with the crew tonight, make that thanksgiving dinner!
R is cooking so it'll be fantastic.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Monday, August 8, 2011

Harder.

It's seems harder and harder everyday to keep my head above water.
Getting out of bed is the biggest challenge I have.
Continuing to go forward seems hopeless.
Forcing my way through this...

Friday, August 5, 2011

House sitting.

Loving having some much needed me time.
It's been a great week so far.
The puppies miss their mommies but I've kept them pretty distracted.
Love getting to know Danny better.
I got a lot out that just needed to be said to anyone.
Of course we've been drunk the better part of the week.
:)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Hard time?

Well I'm just having a fucking ball over here.
Didn't text you that the other day out of boredom.
Kind of needed you.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Nancy.

"I'll never look like barbie, barbie doesn't have bruises."

Thank you nightmares.
Fuck.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Always.

"She screams in silence."

Get the fuck out of my head.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

What.

What to do.
What to do.
Talked for an hour about her girl troubles.
Sucked,
He wants whatever.
She wants later.
I'm in the middle having a good time.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Growing.

Had a great night.
Had a great talk.
Realized a lot of things I've thought about but was never able to form into words before.
Feeling fantastic as I sit here thinking about it.
It's weird I even feel like I can breath better.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Glue.

I've finally started reading Fall to Grace by Jay Bakker.
And found a quote I really liked.

"Man is born broken.
He lives by mending.
The grace of God is glue."
~ Eugene O'Neill.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Hmm.

Had a good day today.
Even after waking up feeling like shit.
Spent all of it with different friends,
Laughed a lot.
Had a good time with them all.

Why do I still feel so crappy?
I don't even want to go to sleep tonight, I know I'm going to have another bad dream.
And that will just make tomorrow shitty too.
Just one of those things I guess.
Kind of makes me feel like this.

Falling.

Nightmares are starting again.
They scare me something awful.
I wake up all night and just fall asleep in the same place I woke up.
I hate this.
I can't shake them.
I wake up feeling sick and crappy.
Even though I'm fine.
Migraines come more regularly with the nightmares.
I have to go back to sleeping with my overhead light on.
I woke up around 3 last night terrified.
All I wanted was some rest.
I'm so tired all the time anymore.
I just can't get any real sleep.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Scared.

I like _.

I like _.
And don't want to get fucked.

So I won't let me like _.

62.What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled?

I like trains,
They are so relaxing.
Something about the constant feel of the tracks below.
Watching the world pass me by so fast through the window.

I've traveled different places many different ways.
Plane.
Train.
Car.
Helicopter.
Boat.
Truck.

Cars scare me the most.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

61.List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today.

I don't think anything really went wrong so I'll go with right.

I actually got  up early enough to clean my bathroom and all the stuff I needed to get done.
Got the cats all fed and litter box cleaned for the day.
I wasn't sure I'd actually get up with my alarm but did. :).
Even got my laundry done.

Went to work for nine hours and trained more.
Love the new job.

That's really all I did today.
Lol.
I guess that's a good thing I did get a lot done and learned a lot.

There was one bad thing.
Poor little Steve passed away while I was at work.
He was a good little kitten just could get all the nutrition he needed.
He was started to nurse on Salem just yesterday but not soon enough.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

60.Where is a great place to get breakfast?

I enjoy a few places for breakfast.
Ihop and cracker barrel are probably my favorite.
Ihop more so.
I can eat breakfast there anytime.
Breakfast anytime anywhere is actually pretty great.
That is more than likely just my favorite

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

59.Does Never Never Land really exist?

I've always believed it has.
After seeing the orphanage I don't doubt it for a second.
Such a beautiful/suspenseful movie.
I never even came close to guessing the end but cried as soon as I realized how amazing it was.
How fantastic would it be to have the innocence of being a child again?
To have the opportunity to never grow up.
Obviously not the way the kids did in the orphanage but in actual peter pan.
Fantastic.
Never feel the pain of growing up, heartache, loss,
Even if I was ever to go I'd still want to grow up at some point.
Kind of a "nice place to visit place" for me.
It'd have been nice to prolong childhood but to miss out on so much would be horrible.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Lined.

I walk a path lined with fireflies.
I see only in front of me.
The past long forgotten.
Walking free.
The past not destroying me.

I walk a path lined in fireflies.
The moon high above.
Leading me to my destiny.
Not living a fairy tale.
Leading me to my dreams.

I walk a path lined in fireflies.
Calmly but cautiously.
Not running scared.
Stronger than ever.
Not looking back.


57.Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone?

I have, in the woods across/down the street from my dads.
I can't remember if it was KJM or KJJ.
I remember having my go cart but think I still carved KJM.
I used to go hang out in the woods all the time.
It always smelled like caterpillars.
I'm pretty sure this is why the smell of caterpillars tells me it is summer.
My sister has the same thing, when you can smell the caterpillars it's summer.
Lol.
There were always just thousands of cocoons.
It was a fantastic place to be.
Just me and a book a lot of the time.
Sometimes my neighbor would hang out there with me.
Or other friends.
Not often though.
It was a nice quiet place to be.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

30 Randoms of me.

1. I am a huge fan of football movies but have never actually watched the sport, something that will change next season.

2. I will watch any cop/csi/fbi show that comes on tv anytime, my favorite is Law &  Order: SVU and (this is new to me) CSI.

3.I have a scar on my right eyebrow from my cat Lisa.

4. My cats Cadee and Miles are the most important thing to me at this point in my life.

5. I'm kind of ashamed of how I lost the first 60 lbs this year but now that I've lost another 15 a healthy way, I'm proud.

6. He makes me smile more than I have in awhile.

7. I was scared for my own safety from myself earlier this year.

8. I've not told anyone that.

9. My favorite movie is Stand By Me, I used to have every line memorized.

10. I still have every line of The Craft memorized.

11. I have seen Green Day live about 13 times and will keep going as long as they keep touring.

12. I love musicals!

13. I'd love to fully learn Russian, I've been teaching myself online but would like to take real lessons one day.

14. I can't wait til I'm in a place where I can travel.

15. I miss my Papa. I wish he was here with me for everything, my favorite time was to just sit with him and watch tv.

16. I love working, I hated not working for 3 months.

17. I cherish my friends, those I actually see and those online equally.

18. Because of B I'm enjoying the fruits I can actually eat so much more than I ever have.

19. I love to read and carry a purse mostly because I need to have a book with me always.

20. I would love to go back to school for photography but the chances of me actually doing that are slim o none.

21. I love my family and wouldn't trade any of them for anything. Even when they drive me nuts. (extended family included.)

22. I love cake, pretty much any kind any time.

23. I'd like to get married again someday...I think.

24. I spend far too much time on facebook and cant wait to start working full-time so I'm not on as often.

25. I am a Detroit Red Wings fan, which doesn't go over well being in the Chicago area.

26. My favorite cartoon when I was little was Smurfs, I cannot wait for the live action movie to come out.

27. I can't wait for the last Harry Potter movie,

28. I love True blood, it's like vampire porn.

29. I think Christian Bale is just fantastic in everything he does.

30. I've had horrid insomnia all my life and have just recently had a few nights where I don't wake up all night or where I'm not waking up with bruises from myself while I dream.

56.What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time?

I'm not really sure.
I guess that I'm tall, people always think I'm taller than I actually am.
I like to think my eyes since they are my favorite.
Lol.
They just get so green most of the time, I love it.
Other than that I have no idea.
I get quiet when I first people.
So, yep fairly boring me.

Concerts.

Kid Rock in August?
Social Distortion in October?
Hell yes I will be there!
I've only heard how amazing Social D is live and cannot wait to experience it for myself.

"You...

...make me happy.
And make me smile."

And then I smiled...

Friday, July 1, 2011

55.What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday?

So far today I've mainly just confirmed I love my friends, old and new.
That the farmers market is fantastic.
Hanging with said friends will always be the best time.
Even when we try to "borrow" the big pear from Crispy Waffle.

Yesterday, I learned I got the new better job.
That I am closer to my car and moving out.
That I once again fit in a size 14!
First time in years.
It feels so awesome.

I've really learned so much recently.
I've come so far from how depressed I was.
I really thought I was never going to feel even remotely good again.
And here I am, I still have a long way to go to feel, I'm assuming, great.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

54.What effect does music have on you?

It's always enhanced my emotions.
If I've been upset I tend to listen to sad stuff.
If I've been in a great mood there's the upbeat stuff.
I've started listening to more techno lately and being in the moods I've been in (great lol) it's been perfect.
If I'm just relaxing and sitting around I tend to fall back on 90's music.
Most songs can remind me of stuff I've done, fun times I've had.
Remember people I miss like the Deftones always remind me of Patrick.
And probably always will.
Music is the core of a lot of things and the soundtrack of a life can be an amazing thing.
It's just awful when we lose those that bring us amazing music too early.

Love it still.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

53.What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced?

I'm gonna go with concerts.
Yes concerts in general,
A great band does make the difference in your experience.
If they are great live then it is just the most amazing time.
Three of my favorite bands live would be Green Day, The Cure and Papa Roach,
The Cure just sounds absolutely amazing live.
Being there well Robert Smith brings all of those feelings to you is unreal.
Papa Roach puts on an amazing show,
The energy alone gets you moving and having such a great time,
And Green Day.
Just the best time I've ever had has probably been at Green Day concerts.
They have so much audience interaction it's unreal.
Billie Joes stage presence is so inviting and just loving.
There is just so much that can be said about them live.
It's a fantastic time.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Still tired?

How can I still be tired?
I got home around 530 yesterday was kind of tired so laid down around 7 to watch tv.
Woke up at 730 this morning :/.
I never sleep that much, this weekend was hectic I don't doubt I was exhausted.
Still could probably go back to sleep.
 But I won't.
Interview later today then work and off to B's for tomorrow.
Then work again.
Busy busy days.
Busy is nice.

Monday, June 27, 2011

52.Write a celebrity crush list.

This could be intresting.
In order, I guess.
Some are dead already but thats ok I guess.

Chrisitan Bale.
Tre from Green Day.
Brad Renfro.
Jeremy Piven.
Natalie Portman.
River Phoenix.
Mila Kunis.
Michelle Rodriguez.
Sergei Federov.
Jason Segel.
Kid Rock.
Layne Staley.
Lucas Haas.

I'm sure there are more but this seems like a good list.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

So much.

Got so much done this week!
All the bushes are out of my moms front yard.
Great workout, I'm now down 75 lbs!
Have to work tonight for a few hours.
But have the party for R & A's civil union tonight with everyone.
Gonna be an awesome time :).
I'm glad I get to see everyone tonight.
It's been a few days.
Lol.
Planning more time with the boy soon.
Very good times to be had there.
Feels a little weird to like someone else already.
But a really good weird.
And I'm starting to really like him.
After digging out about 10 bushes it looks better all ready.
Can't wait to be completely done!

50.How do rainy days make you feel?

Lazy.
Rainy days should be spent in bed.
Preferably with somone to cuddle.
It's a good time to catch up on reading, movies, anything that keeps you from actually doing anything.
If it's a warm rainy day and you have someone who doesn't mind getting wet, it can be a fun time.
I've always loved rainy days from doing nothing to puddle jumping.
It's all a good time.

Friday, June 24, 2011

49.What are all your thoughts on god?

I think I covered a lot of this with number 7.
But I believe there is something, I don't really have an answer to what.
I think I'm on a search for what I actually really believe anymore.
I go to church for my family on certain days.
I've always wished I could have the faith a lot of my family does but something always happens to sway that.
Or I give up to quickly.
I've started following the Revolution Church more closely and would love to visit new York just to hear Jay speak in person.
He is probably been one of the main people I've really heard when I listen to him preach.
Him and my Uncle Tim.
There has to be more, I'd like to believe more.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

48.What is your favorite cliché?

Probably, two wrongs don't make a right.
I don't really have a reason I guess.
I don't really like cliches I think.
Weird question.

On another note.
I have an interview Tuesday.
Very excited about it.
Everything seems to be going great lately.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Yep.

47.Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive?

I don't think I have.
At least not for those reasons.
I do tend to act without fully thinking some things through.
But that makes life more fun.
Over thinking pulls away from, I guess the "danger" of things.
Isn't it more worth it to not think of the outcome sometimes?
To not worry about tomorrow today?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

46.What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic?

Hmm.
I don't think I've actually ever heard anyone use that phrase.
I guess it would depend on what "magic" they were referring to.
I don't really think I have an answer to this.

Instead here's "Marco" on the steps of "Degrassi" :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

45.Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be?

Yes.
If there is no reason, there is no point.
We all learn from everything we do.
If your not learning your not growing.
We have to grow to become who we are supposed to be.
I believe one of the reasons is to be happy.
It's not always an easy feat.
Having friends you love helps.
Having pets helps.
Everything is a reason for us to be here.
Everything we do, learn and the people we meet.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Me.

Update on me?
I'm doing pretty good.
Working.
Not much but enough to keep busy.
Which is a really nice way to transition back into...life I guess.
Been hanging out with all my friends more.
I don't know how more is possible but it is.
Lol.
Making new friends too.
Everyday really does get better.
The day after I had a big issue last week, I felt better than I had in forever.
I still do.

44.Describe your note-taking style and habits.

I start by writing everything the person is saying.
I write sloppy and fast.
Most people can't read it.
Then it filters down to important words.
Then one word a line.
Like,
A.
List.
The pictures come next.
Just random drawings.
Stick people.
Flowers.
Little swirly things.
Sometimes I'll even forget I was listening to someone talk.

Grace.

http://www.revolutionnyc.com/the-vulgarity-of-grace/

Saturday, June 18, 2011

43.Have you ever seen a ghost?

Only one.
There is a black cat that walks down the staires at my moms.
She's small and just walks down the staires and turns to walk into my bedroom.
Then disappears.

There was another time but I really am not sure if I was dreaming.
When I had moved in with my mom the first time, I was sleeping on the inside of the bed against the wall.
I wake up in the middle of the night all time, that's why I'm not positive if it's real or not.
But I looked over toward the door and saw a man standing there.
He turned and walked away.
There has never ben a guy living here at the same time as me.
I pulled the blankets over my head and woke up Nikki.
Freaked me out.
Not all to sure it was a dream or not.

Friday, June 17, 2011

42.List your biggest regrets.

There is no list.
I have no regrets.
Living with regrets can't get you anywhere.
Everything you have done makes you who you are.
Even the shit that sucks makes up the you that you are.
If you can't like who you are, what kind of life is that?
There are points when I'm not exactly thrilled with being me but I remember that one day it'll be good again.
Just have to get through rough points.
Grow from those times.
Can't regret them.

41.What was the title of the last book you read?

Arch Enemy by Frank Beddor.
It was the last in the Looking Glass Trilogy.
I'm going to have to reread it later.
I wasn't really in the mood to read but wanted to.
So I forced my way through it.
It was great as the other two but I just wasn't as into as I should've been.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

40.What is your favorite season, and why?

Summer.
It's hot.
It's humid.
It's fanastic.
The down side, I'm allergic to Summer for the most part.
Lol.
I still love it.
Summer storms are great.
Cooking on th grill.
The smell of lilacs.
Goin to the beach.
Swimming.
Just pretty much everything.

39.Name one thing you have always been good at doing.

Writing.
I may not be the greatest speller.
Or talk well.
My words get all jumbled.
But I can write.
I can write the hell out of a story.
Once I can actaully get started.
I don't stay in one genre either.
I've have a suspense thriller type I'm working on now.
Along with a love story.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

38.What was the longest amount of time you have spent waiting on line for something? What was it, and was it worth the wait?

Ummm.
I have no idea.
I'm going to go with probebly Jamboree tickets with Shelly & Ryan in high school.
I don't think it technically counts though.
We sat on the curb while Shelly's sister waited in line I think.
We saw a car accident though in the mall parking lot.
Lol.
Yeah not a whole lot of waiting in line has gone on.
Maybe at the plane station?
That never really takes to long though.
I dunno.
I don't think I have a story of this...
Odd for me.
I do love to tell a good story :).

Monday, June 13, 2011

37.Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning.

I try to prolong actually getting out of my bed as long as I can.
So I'll wake up, check the time and then just lay there about another half hour.
Grab my phone and start texting.
Grab my computer and check emails and sit online for about ten minutes.
Then maybe I'll ger up or find something on tv, depends on how much I have to go to the bathroom.
Either way next I'm up and in the bathroom,
Brush my teeth and stuff.
Then usually clean up my room from before bed the night before.

That's my morning.
Pretty boring.

Just can't.

I just can't do this anymore.
It all hurts all the time.

36.Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date.

Too easy.
Of course it would be a tough choice between Tre from Green Day and Christian Bale,
Such random choices, right?

I want...

Someone who will get up on a boring day just sitting around and dance with me.
Someone to jump in puddles with me on a warm summer day.
Someone to sit under the stars with and find Orion with and tell stories with.
Someone who after I get off the phone with my mom will just hug me becuase they get it.
Someone to hold me while we watch scary movies.
Someone to always tell the truth, even if it may hurt.


I've decided that's not really to much to ask.
Right?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

35.Who did you idolize growing up?

I don't really remember.
There wasn't any person I remember looking up to.
This picture more represents what I wanted.
Who I wanted to be.
Couldn't even do that right.

Think nothing of it.

Really?
Really?
That's still how it's going to be?
I do most everything for you.
Drop plans I've had for weeks to help you.
Stopped everything I was doing to help you.
Most weekends since I've moved I've been here.
I mostly go out during the week.
All weekend while she was upstairs you laid around.
Now I've actually made plans (last minute) and you want to tear up the carpet?
Something you've been saying we'll do every weekend and we never have yet?
So you act bitchy to me?
Yes, I cleaned my bathroom (with only being asked once, I was planning on it tomorrow.)
Yes, I feed MY cats that I've been feeding forever on my won,
And your dogs, so they will eat this weekend,
Changed the cat box like I do every other day.
If I was her, you'd not have thought twice.
"Oh, ok, I thought you'd help me today."
Said in a huge contrast to how you talk to me,
The one that helps you.
The one that's always there.
The one that likes you.
Whatever.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

34.Write about a recent adventure or travels.

Hmmm,
I need more adventure or travel,
The last was my move from Virginia to Illinois.
I was on xanex the whole ride.
Or crying.
Randy and my mom where there.
I don't have much else to say about it, other than I love them both form coming to get me.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Green lipstick.

I heard your voice today.
I was alone in the store.
It felt like you were behind me.
So much so that I turned expecting to see your face.
Something I haven't seen in years.
Maybe again one day.

33.Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home.

"If home is where your heart is, your real home is in your chest."

I don't know the answer to this.
Home is a place you are happiest.
Comfortable.
Feel loved.
The one time I've felt "at home" is over.
I didn't grow up in just one house.
We moved, stayed in the same area but moved.
I like moving.
It just makes it hard to hae a home feeling.
I've never felt like Illinois is my home.
Maybe I've just never found "home" yet.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

32.Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not?

I am.
To an extend I guess.
If I'm not alone, it can be dark.
If I love and trust you I prefer it to be pitch black but light doesn't bother me.
If I am alone, so different.
I have to be able to see every inch of the room.
I've slept with my overhead light on on more than one occasion.
I have a night light.
I sleep with me TV on.
I am terrified of the dark.
M sister has been sleeping in the next room lately, so I've been falling asleep to a movie and the TV turns off.
Not sure why it turns itself off but every TV has turned itself off if I fall asleep.
Anyway, her being close has helped me get used to being kind of alone with lights off.
I was afraid of the dark when I was little but grew out of it for so long.
It came back the night Jeni and I went to see the Blair Witch project.
Yep, I was that chick, the one that saw Blair Witch as soon as I could.
And it scared me.
Bad.
It was cheesy as everyone says, I know that.
It was an awful movie, I know that too,
They were bad actors, yes.
(I get all of this when I saw it scared me to anyone.)
If you watch it through the eyes of an actual person going through it as if it were a true story, it's scary.
Imagine yourself as one of the people in that tent, really hearing all of the noises.
Go into that house at the end and not be able to find your friend, knowing the stories of the area.
This is how I watch all movies,
This is why scary movies, haunt me.
I live them, as I watch them.
It's more fun than being cynical about everything.
Tearing it apart, hating most things you see.
Movies can take you back to a time when you had no fear, everything was fun and you used your imagination.
If you can't imagine along with a movie, what is the point of watching it.
Where is the fun?
Yeah I'm scared of the dark maybe one day I won't be.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Except my eyes are green.


This song has always reminded me of how I feel.
I don't remember not being depressed.
I don't remember ever showing it.

31.Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you.

I skipped yesterday.


I can't. I know people say nice things about me, they've told me nice things.
I hear it for the moment.
But it drifts away.
I remember the bad things people say.
I always remember the negative and take it to heart before any positive.
With as much of a "positive person" I come off as, I'm not.
She told me once I was the most depressed person she'd ever met.
I didn't know what to do with that.
I still don't really.
I know it's true.
I'm just s good at presenting myself as ok, happy, adjusted.
To actually know how I feel hurts me so much.
How could I ever share that pain with someone else?
I wish I knew why I was so depressed all the time.
I wish I could change it.
Fix it.
Fix me for good.

Monday, June 6, 2011

29.Describe your first job.

I worked at the gift shop in the hospital.
It was the most unbusy place I've ever worked.
There was always two of us there.
We mainly sat around and read the recent magazines.
The hours were only 4-7 three days a week.
It was amazingly boring.
But the best first job ever at the same time.
I worked there for 6 months.
Then quit to start Merichkas.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Post Secret.

This reply to a secret made me smile.


"I have an album of pictures of my feet, each one in each country I've been. I'm glad to find that somewhere in the globe, someone thinks the exact way I do. Without even knowing who that person is, I feel a connection to them that reminds me that none of us could ever truly be alone in the universe. Thank you for that, whoever you are, and who knows? Maybe one day our feet will be on the same picture."

28.What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard?

Hmmm,
Is it bad that a certain persons voice is the first thing that came to mind?
Maybe that's just pure hatred.
Other than that I don't really know.
A lot of people thing nails on a chalkboard is bad.
That's never bothered me to bad.
So yeah I'll go with that answer.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

27.What’s on your calendar for tomorrow?

Tomorrow is a busy day.
Amy's baby shower for Claire Marie at 11am.
Brigitte's baby shower (don't know the name yet) at 2pm.
Then I think I'm going to hang out with Rachael for a bit.
Bug her about making my cd lol.

26.Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it?

An ornament.
It was last week I believe.
I was helping Rachael take out the garbage and in the middle of the road it was just sitting there.
It seemed right.
The wording.
So I picked it up (cleaned it good) and took it home.
It now sits on my bookshelf.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

25.Describe a time you felt alone.

The most recent.
Probably the six months leading up to me leaving Virginia.
I stopped talking to everyone because all I was doing was crying.
I only talked to Nik really and not all the time even.
I felt so very alone, even knowing if I picked up my phone I wouldn't be.
I was unhappy all the time and didn't want to bring anyone with me.
Wasn't even sure what to tell anyone because I didn't know why I was so sad.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

24.Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about?

We last talked two days ago.
She was in the car driving back from NC with the family.
We talked about the normal for us.
What we were doing.
The long drive for the girls.
How I've been feeling.
We talk about pretty much everything.
She always makes me feel better if I feel crappy.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

23.If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve?

I haven't the slightest idea.
Lol.
I think I need to face and work on my problems on my own right now.
I've been doing better at it and would like to continue with that.
I think the only other thing that could help would be therapy.
But my friends have been my therapists, each of them have helped me so much.
So maybe the invention of friends is the only thing and they are already there.

22.Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds.

I would go with now.
It's the most recent and on my mind all the time.
We had issues and grew apart.
She cheated.
More than once.
I really didn't know what I was gong to do.
What was going to happen.
I felt like at was at an end.
An end of everything.
I'd gotten myself so deep into my depression.
I really don't think anyone knows how bad it was.
I still feel like I'm falling.
But have been able to keep myself up.
Damn optimist in me.
Thanks to Randy and my mom, I was able to leave there.
I feel better everyday I'm out of there.
It was a beautiful place to be.
I felt loved there for most of the time I was there.
But it all faded.
And will continue to fade.
Being here is good.
Being me will be wonderful again one day.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

21.Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people.

It's a combanation of two things.
But if you smile at someone and truly listen to them, how can that not bring out the good in someone?
Pay attention to what they have to say.
In their way they could be asking for help.
Are you listening?
Would you help them if you were?
I try to always smile ad listen to people.
I try to ask questions about them, how they feel.
I've always looked on the good side of things and try to get people to see it as well.
Even if it's hard sometimes.
Or a lot of the time.

Friday, May 27, 2011

20.Write about your greatest fear.

My biggest fear as always been drowning.
I'm a fairly strong swimmer but have always been so afraid of it.
Water I can't see the bottom of is awful.
I've pretty much always been able to push past how much it scares me.
I hate the fear of it.
I don't believe water can hurt me.
But the idea of being trapped under a large amount, crushing my lungs freaks me the hell out.
Not being able to get to the top is just...i don't even know.
Awful.

Oddly fitting?

19.Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?

People ask themselves this all the time.
I never have an answer to it.
If you had known something before and did it differently what else could be changed?
What that you love in your current life could be gone?
Why do people let themseles have so much regret?
I know I'm not where I thought I would be in my life right now but it's for a reason.
I have to be here to get to where I am going.
Wherever that may be.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

18.Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.

1. Roller Derby.
I would love to actually have the guts to even begin training to try out.
And I can't even do that until my ankle is healed.
I think it would be fantastic to even try out.
But to imagine making it.
Wow.
I think I'd be good at it.
It's one of the few things I think I could do.

2. Finish a book.
Not reading one, I do that all the time.
I have two books I'm writing.
I would love to finish just one.
I'm afraid I won't.
At least not up to the standard I need it to be.

3.Mardi Gras.
I need to experience Mardi Gras.
Even if just once.
I've dreamt of living in New Orleans for so long.
I know that will probably not happen.
And I am beyond ok with that but Mardi Gras.
I need to be there for one.

4. Aurora Borealis
I don't know that I've ever told anyone about this.
I just imagine this has to be the most beautiful thing anyone could ever see.
I would love to get to Alaska to see it.

5. Meet Green Day for more than 5 minutes.
Yep, that's it.
It's simple.
Spend time with my favorite band.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Stumbled quote...

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

17.What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?

It's been stuck in my head for a few weeks.
It's probably my new favorite.
I don't do much to get it in my head.
It just kind of pops in my head at random times.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

16.What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?

I can't answer this question.
One think changed and so much would change.
I started to write leaving JMB and moving out of Virginia in 2004.
Without leaving I wouldn't have met most of the people I love.
I wouldn't have the experiences I've had.
One regret.
One little change.
So much would be different.
I would have lost out on so much.
This is why I don't regret anything I've ever done.
I don't wish th change anything.
Yes, I'm not in a spot I'd like to be right now.
But without this I wouldn't end up where I am supposed to be.
My future would be different than right now.
I've liked most of life.
Of course there are parts that suck.
Of course there are things that could have been done differently.
But I wouldn't be me.
Who knows who I would be.
I don't like that thought.
I hate regret.
I hate the thought of that one little change.
I'd have done nothing different.

Monday, May 23, 2011

15.Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be?

I was a freshman.
It was at Krissy's house.
On her trampolin.
We were having a get together, which usually meant about 15 of us were together.
The normal for our group.
I'd been "seeing" him for about a month.
But going to different schools and always with my friends when we hung out we were never alone.
Everyone was going for a walk.
Since that's what we always did.
We stayed behind.
Layed on the tramp together.
He tasted like french fries.
Thats what I always remember.
It was a nice first kiss.
We were together off and on all through high school and some after.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

14.Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it?

Travel.
I haven't had the time or money to visit all the places I'd love to see.
I'm going to make the time and save the money to visit everywhere now.
This is my eventual goal.
Visit Ireland.
Hawaii.
New Orleans.
Alaska.
Italy.
New York.
I'd like to visit pretty much anywhere I can.
I'd like to have company but think I'm also ready to go on my own.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

13.Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way?

I remember in drivers ed, Mr. Tibbie talked about how 80 is the only interstate that goes from the east coast to the west coast.
I've always thought it would be awesome to make that trip.
Start where it does and just keep going.
Ocean to ocean.
Stop everywhere you want to.
No time limit.
Just have fun.
I still love this plan.
Maybe one day I'll find someone to make the trip with.
You wouldn't even need a map.
Which I think I like the best.
Just follow the signs.

Friday, May 20, 2011

12.What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?

Honestly I have no idea.
I'm pretty open when people ask me things.
I'm pretty open in general I guess.
Stuff people don't ask about, tend to not really be their buisness.
So that pretty much works for me.
And now a picture of a cute bunny.

Stumbles...

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." ~Anonymous

Loving this.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Friends

I love my friends.
That's all I've got to say.
All of them.
Without them I'd have just kept spiraling down.
They have all listened to me cry.
Listened to me bitch.
Been there for me.
I appreciate them all.
And can't thank them enough.

11.Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?

I don't have a journal or anything from last year.
But everything has changed since then.
Where I live.
I was in Virginia.
Now in Illinois.
I was married.
Now single.
I was a different kind of ok with me.
I don't really remember how I elt most of the time.
I wanted to move originally.
But I think i was starting to not like it.
Starting to be lonely.
I'm lonely in a different way now.
I'm good with being single.
For the most part.
I'm getting better everyday.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

10.Name your most cherished childhood memory.

I was eleven.
It must have been the end of April.
My aunt had just had my cousin so my Grandma was in Missouri.
My Mom was working.
So it was just me and Papa for church on Sunday.
After church we always went out to eat.
Usually at a sit-down type of place.
So we went, I don't remember where.
After we went and got ice cream.
And then drove around for what seems like hours.
He drove.
We talked.
A lot.
This has always been one of my favorite memories of our time together.
Papa and me time.
That was always my favorite.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

9.Who was your first crush and what made them special?

In kindergaten it was Evan or Nick.
Evan was a sweetheart.
And Nick, I got to be a tomboy with.
I knew Evan all the way through high school.
Called them both my boyfriend.
And held hands with Nick in our school picture.
Not that you could tell us being the tallest two standing in the back.

Monday, May 16, 2011

8.When was your last food craving, and what did you crave?

Cupcakes.
I was watching Cupcake Wars on the Food Network.
They looked fantastic.
I love cupcakes.
Sometimes they are so much better than cake.

I still haven't had one but it was just last night.
Maybe later today.
Hopefully.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tomorrow.

Can we skip tomorrow?
At least can I?
I will be totally occupied.
But I'll know what tomorrow is.
I don't think I'm ready for it to pass yet.
The past few days have been a little harder again.
Just the knowing that it would be 7 years tomorrow.
Just the knowing that we would have been off work this weekend to do something.
Just the knowing that I am here.
I don't want to not be here.
I have been happier than I've been.
I had gotten so sad.
So beyond depressed.
This is for the best.
I hope.

Tomorrow is just going to suck.

7.What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same?

Intresting.
I don't believe I've ever really talked about religion.
I've questioned erything since I was little.
I was raised half Catholic half Christian.
Church with Grandma and Papa one weekend.
With my mom he next.
It was all the same to me.
He stood up there and talked down to everyone.
No matter what church.
They lost my intrest really quick.

I beieve in reincarnation.
100%.
This is probably why I don't believe I will ever die.
I also believe a baby should always be baptized.
Even if its non-denominational like I was.
I believe there is something.
I don't know what.
But isn't that what makes it so great.
The wonder.
The make-believe whatever you want/need it to be.
As long as you can believe something.
Anything.
Your life can't be wrong.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Get it.

Made mashed potatos for dinner.
For the first time in my life I get how she did it.
Lee.
As the water boiled I understood.

I don't have anything else.

It's cold again

It's May 14th.
The heat should not be on.
But it is.

I did physical labor today.
I felt great.
Hurt my ankle more.
But thats how I work.
I dug out 2 of my mom's bushes.
Made a big difference up front.
Now is time to rest.
Took my asprin for my foot.
No plans for tonight.
Think I may have an underworld marathon.
Seems like an excellent idea.

Friday, May 13, 2011

6.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?

I wouldn't.
Everything that has happened in any way in my life has made me me.
I may not be all to happy with that person today.
But I was once.
And I will be again.
And I wouldn't ever change anything.
I wouldn't be me without all the happiness.
Sadness.
Excitement.
Tragedy.
Joy.
Anything.
Everything in your life is you.
How could you want to change you?
If you changed something, who you are could be completely different.
I'm not ok with that.
I want to see the outcome of me.
With all my life intact as it is and as it falls.

5.List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.

I like my bad habits.
I like biting my nails.
I don't bite them often.
I don't actually bite them off.
So I don't think it's so bad.

I close myself off.
I get depressed and don't care to talk to anyone.
I like to stay in bed.
I cry a lot.
I don't know how to fix these things but I'm working on them.
Best I can.
It gets hard.
I just need time I guess.

4.What music album would be used for a movie about your life?

Stupid blogger was down yesterday so I'm doing both today.

I don't think just one album works.
So I'm going to go with Green Day in general.
They have a song for every mood.
For me.
Pretty much any situation can be covered by them.
For me.

Something Borrowed

Would have probably been good.
I loved the book years ago when I read it.
It was different now.
Won't see it again.
Need to get trashed.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

3.Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

Artichoke candles.
Sure they are candles so not entierly useless.
But I will never light them.
Hello! They are candles in the shape of artichokes!
My mom found them somewhere years ago.
Had to get them for me.
I think she got them for my birthday one year, maybe.
There are two of them.
They just sit on my shelves.
Not doing anything but being awesome.
I love artichokes.
They are my favorite vegetable.
My favorite food.
I enjoy having my friends try them.
Not many people have just eaten them outside of dip.
I haven't met anyone that hasn't liked them yet.

These are obviously not my candles as they are lit, lol.
But this is them.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

2.What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?

1. Facebook.

I like to see what people are up too.
I have a lot of people I never get to see and this is how I talk to them.
I also really like some of the games.
Even though I'm often just sitting there watching TV while on.
I post a lot of my photography there too.

2. Yahoo/Gmail

I check my email.
Lol.
I get a lot of spam.
But some of it can be entertaining.
And it's not really spam, it's stupid crap I've signed up for.
Not all that entertaining.

3. People

Yep, I'm on of those.
Up to date on all the celebrity gossip.

4. IMDB

I watch a lot of movies.
I like to know what people have been in.
If I like them, I may like more of their movies.
If you watch a movie with me and have a question, chances are I can answer it.
And if I can't give me like 10 minutes.

5. It's not just one site

I have Stumbleupon downloaded.
It's just a button on my toolbar.
But it can take up a pretty good amount of time if you've got nothing going on.
It brings up so many different things.
I have found some of the greatest pictures on there.
Some great recipes.
And am learning Russian because of this.
One of my favorites I've come across is below.
Enjoy :).
It's fantastic and highly recommended.

Monday, May 9, 2011

1.Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Beans.

She was my favorite babydoll.
She was in my safe deposit box when I worked at the bank.
When I quit she was in a bag.
Accidently was thrown away.
She was little and so torn up.
I even dropped her in the toilet a few times.
She just couldn't hold herself up while potty training, lol.
I had to have been fun for my mom.
She talked.
Until I somehow broke the string in her back off.
Then her head just rattled a little.
I loved her.
She had so many "surgeries" as I grew up.
Lucky for me, Grandma is a seamstress.
I had her for long time.
I was about 21 or so when she was lost.
I have random moments where I'd like to be able to pull her out of the closet or box and just hold her.
Like Bud (my bear from my first birthday).
Or Fluffy (my blanket from when I was born).
I love that I have these things from childhood.
They make me happy when I'm sad.
Comfort me when I'm sick.
So many people don't have these things.
I feel so lucky my mom saved them for me.
This isn't an actual pictre of mine but one I found online.
She was beautiful :).

Found

I found this website, 80 Journal writing prompts.
80 questions that could be very intresting.
I am going to attempt to one everyday.
See how that actually goes.
I think it seems like a good plan.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Stronger







Stumbled

I was on stumbleupon today.
It's been awhile.
I can across a "Who is you Philosophy Guru" test.
So of course I took it.
This was my outcome:

Your recommended philosophy-guru is PYRRHO OF ELIS.
Key fact: Pyrrho is traditionally known as the founder of the Sceptical school of philosophy.
Must have: Patience with yourself.
Key promise: Tranquillity born of suspending disbelief.
Key peril: Trying to hold onto little in life can be tough.
Most likely to say: "Don't worry: be happy."
Least likely to say: "There is an answer to everything."

Seems pretty fitting for me.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Reading this...

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/jesse-james-how-i-confessed-affair-to-sandra-bullock--2891

I understood how she felt.
I understnd why she couldn't look at him.
I know how much it hurt her for him not to touch her.
As she cried.
As he was the reason she cried.
I understand that if he had touched her.
She would have shook him off.
She would have glared into his soul.
Her eyes would have terrified him.
I left.
I left and had to go back to try.
We failed.
But i think for the best.
We are better friends.
And she was right, had been more like friends for a year.
I wonder if S.B. cries still.
I wonder if it's about him.
Or the loss of the relationship.
I wonder what I cry over.
Sometimes I cy when it's not about her.
But of who we were at another time.
We weren't those people anymore.
I don't know that I could be her anymore.
Or would want to be.
I want to love who I am.
I want to be me again.
But older.
Smarter.
Different.
I loved what we had.
But that was another life.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sleep

Still can't sleep for shit.
Would love nothing more than to have a none drug induced sleep.
Sleep.
Once I fall, I'm out for at least five hours.
Five hours shouldn't excite me.
But it does.

I feel good otherwise.
I felt not hurt the past few days.
I felt ok.
Pretty good even.
Still do.
Just tired.
Tired and in the mood to make out.
This is what happens when I watch a lot of How I Met Your Mother.
Weird.
Yep, def weird.
But it works for me.

A Quote

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

A friend posted this quote on facebook.
It spoke loudly to me.
I need to remember this for always.
I forgot before.

Monday, May 2, 2011

New

Yesterday.
Started well.
Had a good time with Rachael.
Then it all hit me.
Hard.
Again.
Cried in front of a friend.
I hate that.
Came home.

After a bit felt much better.
Talking helped.
Not about any of it.
But other stuff.
Got my mind off of it.
Actually felt happy.
Got ice cream with my mom.
Weird.
If you know me.
And my hate for ice cream.

Today seems good.
Got a second interview.
Thursday.
Going to see a movie.
Rio.
Looks funny.

Today feels good.
Today feels new.
Today.
I hate to go into a stupid Smashing Pumpkins song.
Especially since I don't really like them.
But Today feels right.

"Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever kown
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long"

And for today thats all I want.
For today to be good.
One day where I don't cry.
One day where I feel great.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Just is

Lonely.
Still can't always get out of bed.
Don't really want to start the day.
Watched the stupid wedding.
Got back in bed to cry.

It is what it is.
It just is.
Another bad day.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

1 week down

It's been a full week.
One full week away.
One full week "Home".
The past few days were hard.
Friends, family (one in the same for most) helped.
A lot.
More than they could ever know.

Still the past few days were hard.
Today was better.
I tried to make no plans for yesterday and today.
See how I do when everyone is busy.
Did ok.
Last night was bad.
Really bad.
But...
Only for like 20 minutes.
This is good right?

I figured out finally,
there is no "right answer".
I've been trying to find this answer.
This answer that doesn't exist.
We have to do what is best for "Us".
For me, for her.
Right now it's working.
Being alone.
Being single.
I'm adjusting.
I guess.
I'm trying to remember I have people.
People I can call/text.
People I can talk to.
It's hard to remember.
After secluding yourself for so long.
Not talking for so long.

Fell like Melinda Sordino.
Like I have so much to say.
No idea how to start.
So I stayed silent for so long.*
Now to speak.
(Ha great movie referrance)

(*Anyone that may read this, it was not her fault, I got my self into my depression so deep that I didn't talk. She is at no fault for that, I chose to not get help.)

I think I'm doing better.
But as Ann says, "The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets."
Thank you Poppy Z.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Birthday

31.
I am now 31.
It doesn't feel any different.
Had a lot of fun.
Saw a great group of people.
Lonely.
Was drunk and happy last night.
Still lonely though.
I miss the company.
I miss the company that is more than a friend.
But I also miss my best friend.
The one I talk to about everything.

I am loving being with everyone.
Seeing everyone I missed so much.
I wouldn't change this for anything.
Just need time.
Need distraction.
Need to not sit at home.
Been doing a great job of being out.
Keeping busy.
Just need time.
Time.
Time that is taking too long.

Got to ride the train around the mall today.
That was awesome!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Plans

Plans.
Plans.
Plans.
I went for a year with no plans.
I've been here less than a week.
And have plans to make more plans.
I'm loving every minute of it!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Interview

Intrview Friday at 11.
At Motherhood Maturnity.
I need this to go well.
I need to not freak.
Which would be a first.
Which would be about right.

I've always interviewed well.
I've gotten every job I've interviewed for.
But I'm not exactly in the same place I've always been.

I'm a little worried.
I'm a little curious how I'll do.
It should be ok, right?

I'm really excited even though it's just part time.
But if I can get in anywhere right now, it'd be perfect.
Maybe get two jobs, save enough and get my own place.

I've never lived alone.
I've always been nervous.
I think it would be good for me.
Quiet too.
Quiet scares me.
In the quiet all those little noises make me jump.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Well now

Dead to me.
The one is literally dead to me.
Not positive why trying making my life miserable is necessary.
But whatever.

Makes for a shitty day.
Didn't want to wake up.

One cousin posted that she's going to make this an awesome week.
Say "meh to negativity."
She's wise.
Wiser than me.
Going to try my hardest to follower her on this.
I need to.
I'm moving on.

Spent time with the favorite uncle and cousin last night.
Made my day much better.
I missed them both.
I love them both.
The cousins new girlfriend is awesome.
They made me happy.
Just hanging out.
What I need to do a lot of.

The cats are adjusting to their new home.
It'll take some time.
Cadee will come around more everyday.
Miles is already adjusted.
Can't figure out why the other cat won't play with him.
She will in time.

Time.
Time goes so fast.
Time will help.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Here

I am here.
Here is where I am.

My moms house.
Stole my sisters bed.
Under my comforter.
Not feeling very comforted.

Xanex.
Xanex.
Xanex.
Not helping me sleep.
Not doing much of anything.
Not needing the help I'm sure everyone thinks is needed.

Feeling hopeless about the starting over part.
At the living at my moms part.
At the no job part.

No job.
Fun.
No money.
Fucked.

No money
No sex.
No sleep.
No nothing.

Just no.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Today's view on Love

Their coming.
My mom and Randy.
Thank god for Randy.

I have the most amazing people in my life.
And I will be close to them all again soon.

Got a text today.
"Just stay fabulous! And you'll get throught this with finesse and style!"
Amazing.
My cousin.
She makes me smile.

They all make me smile.

I love my family.
My friends.
My makeshift family.
The ones I chose.
And the ones I had thrust on me.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

a little better

Today is a better day.
A new day.
Fresh.

Making plans with friends back home.
This is a big help.
They have all helped so much.
Just by talking to me about inane things sometimes.

Just need to finish packing.
Need to finish.
But need Ihop first...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

2:22am

Awake.
Can't sleep.

Never sleep right now.
Too many thoughts keep me awake.

Can't take nyquil everynight, right?
Not healthy to force sleep.
I'm only guessing here.

The cats all lay around me, trying to sleep.
Now I keep them up...such a change.
Such hatred for my insomnia.


Watched Mama Mia tonight, forgot about "Slipping Through My Fingers" :/
Sucked.
Cried.
Felt dumb.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Starting over

I'm packing.
I'm packing to move half way across the country.
Again.
Alone.
Again.

I'm getting rid of all the things I dont need, can't use or have outgrown.
Fi & do, my two headed stuffed delmation?
Gone
All those clothes I don't wear because they don't fit or I just don't like them?
Gone.
The two tons of books I'll never read again?
Gone.

My wife?
Staying here.
Not my wife any longer.

This is why I am so lost, 7 years of being with someone, you don't lose yourself you become an "us" & "them". You don't remember how to be a "me". I liked who I was before, I liked who I was during. Now to find the "me" that has grown from all of this.