23.If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve?

I haven't the slightest idea.
Lol.
I think I need to face and work on my problems on my own right now.
I've been doing better at it and would like to continue with that.
I think the only other thing that could help would be therapy.
But my friends have been my therapists, each of them have helped me so much.
So maybe the invention of friends is the only thing and they are already there.

22.Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds.

I would go with now.
It's the most recent and on my mind all the time.
We had issues and grew apart.
She cheated.
More than once.
I really didn't know what I was gong to do.
What was going to happen.
I felt like at was at an end.
An end of everything.
I'd gotten myself so deep into my depression.
I really don't think anyone knows how bad it was.
I still feel like I'm falling.
But have been able to keep myself up.
Damn optimist in me.
Thanks to Randy and my mom, I was able to leave there.
I feel better everyday I'm out of there.
It was a beautiful place to be.
I felt loved there for most of the time I was there.
But it all faded.
And will continue to fade.
Being here is good.
Being me will be wonderful again one day.

21.Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people.

It's a combanation of two things.
But if you smile at someone and truly listen to them, how can that not bring out the good in someone?
Pay attention to what they have to say.
In their way they could be asking for help.
Are you listening?
Would you help them if you were?
I try to always smile ad listen to people.
I try to ask questions about them, how they feel.
I've always looked on the good side of things and try to get people to see it as well.
Even if it's hard sometimes.
Or a lot of the time.

20.Write about your greatest fear.

My biggest fear as always been drowning.
I'm a fairly strong swimmer but have always been so afraid of it.
Water I can't see the bottom of is awful.
I've pretty much always been able to push past how much it scares me.
I hate the fear of it.
I don't believe water can hurt me.
But the idea of being trapped under a large amount, crushing my lungs freaks me the hell out.
Not being able to get to the top is just...i don't even know.
Awful.

Oddly fitting?

19.Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?

People ask themselves this all the time.
I never have an answer to it.
If you had known something before and did it differently what else could be changed?
What that you love in your current life could be gone?
Why do people let themseles have so much regret?
I know I'm not where I thought I would be in my life right now but it's for a reason.
I have to be here to get to where I am going.
Wherever that may be.

18.Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.

1. Roller Derby.
I would love to actually have the guts to even begin training to try out.
And I can't even do that until my ankle is healed.
I think it would be fantastic to even try out.
But to imagine making it.
Wow.
I think I'd be good at it.
It's one of the few things I think I could do.

2. Finish a book.
Not reading one, I do that all the time.
I have two books I'm writing.
I would love to finish just one.
I'm afraid I won't.
At least not up to the standard I need it to be.

3.Mardi Gras.
I need to experience Mardi Gras.
Even if just once.
I've dreamt of living in New Orleans for so long.
I know that will probably not happen.
And I am beyond ok with that but Mardi Gras.
I need to be there for one.

4. Aurora Borealis
I don't know that I've ever told anyone about this.
I just imagine this has to be the most beautiful thing anyone could ever see.
I would love to get to Alaska to see it.

5. Meet Green Day for more than 5 minutes.
Yep, that's it.
It's simple.
Spend time with my favorite band.

Stumbled quote...

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

17.What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?

It's been stuck in my head for a few weeks.
It's probably my new favorite.
I don't do much to get it in my head.
It just kind of pops in my head at random times.

16.What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?

I can't answer this question.
One think changed and so much would change.
I started to write leaving JMB and moving out of Virginia in 2004.
Without leaving I wouldn't have met most of the people I love.
I wouldn't have the experiences I've had.
One regret.
One little change.
So much would be different.
I would have lost out on so much.
This is why I don't regret anything I've ever done.
I don't wish th change anything.
Yes, I'm not in a spot I'd like to be right now.
But without this I wouldn't end up where I am supposed to be.
My future would be different than right now.
I've liked most of life.
Of course there are parts that suck.
Of course there are things that could have been done differently.
But I wouldn't be me.
Who knows who I would be.
I don't like that thought.
I hate regret.
I hate the thought of that one little change.
I'd have done nothing different.

15.Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be?

I was a freshman.
It was at Krissy's house.
On her trampolin.
We were having a get together, which usually meant about 15 of us were together.
The normal for our group.
I'd been "seeing" him for about a month.
But going to different schools and always with my friends when we hung out we were never alone.
Everyone was going for a walk.
Since that's what we always did.
We stayed behind.
Layed on the tramp together.
He tasted like french fries.
Thats what I always remember.
It was a nice first kiss.
We were together off and on all through high school and some after.

14.Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it?

Travel.
I haven't had the time or money to visit all the places I'd love to see.
I'm going to make the time and save the money to visit everywhere now.
This is my eventual goal.
Visit Ireland.
Hawaii.
New Orleans.
Alaska.
Italy.
New York.
I'd like to visit pretty much anywhere I can.
I'd like to have company but think I'm also ready to go on my own.

13.Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way?

I remember in drivers ed, Mr. Tibbie talked about how 80 is the only interstate that goes from the east coast to the west coast.
I've always thought it would be awesome to make that trip.
Start where it does and just keep going.
Ocean to ocean.
Stop everywhere you want to.
No time limit.
Just have fun.
I still love this plan.
Maybe one day I'll find someone to make the trip with.
You wouldn't even need a map.
Which I think I like the best.
Just follow the signs.

12.What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?

Honestly I have no idea.
I'm pretty open when people ask me things.
I'm pretty open in general I guess.
Stuff people don't ask about, tend to not really be their buisness.
So that pretty much works for me.
And now a picture of a cute bunny.

Stumbles...

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." ~Anonymous

Loving this.

Friends

I love my friends.
That's all I've got to say.
All of them.
Without them I'd have just kept spiraling down.
They have all listened to me cry.
Listened to me bitch.
Been there for me.
I appreciate them all.
And can't thank them enough.

11.Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?

I don't have a journal or anything from last year.
But everything has changed since then.
Where I live.
I was in Virginia.
Now in Illinois.
I was married.
Now single.
I was a different kind of ok with me.
I don't really remember how I elt most of the time.
I wanted to move originally.
But I think i was starting to not like it.
Starting to be lonely.
I'm lonely in a different way now.
I'm good with being single.
For the most part.
I'm getting better everyday.

10.Name your most cherished childhood memory.

I was eleven.
It must have been the end of April.
My aunt had just had my cousin so my Grandma was in Missouri.
My Mom was working.
So it was just me and Papa for church on Sunday.
After church we always went out to eat.
Usually at a sit-down type of place.
So we went, I don't remember where.
After we went and got ice cream.
And then drove around for what seems like hours.
He drove.
We talked.
A lot.
This has always been one of my favorite memories of our time together.
Papa and me time.
That was always my favorite.

9.Who was your first crush and what made them special?

In kindergaten it was Evan or Nick.
Evan was a sweetheart.
And Nick, I got to be a tomboy with.
I knew Evan all the way through high school.
Called them both my boyfriend.
And held hands with Nick in our school picture.
Not that you could tell us being the tallest two standing in the back.

8.When was your last food craving, and what did you crave?

Cupcakes.
I was watching Cupcake Wars on the Food Network.
They looked fantastic.
I love cupcakes.
Sometimes they are so much better than cake.

I still haven't had one but it was just last night.
Maybe later today.
Hopefully.

Tomorrow.

Can we skip tomorrow?
At least can I?
I will be totally occupied.
But I'll know what tomorrow is.
I don't think I'm ready for it to pass yet.
The past few days have been a little harder again.
Just the knowing that it would be 7 years tomorrow.
Just the knowing that we would have been off work this weekend to do something.
Just the knowing that I am here.
I don't want to not be here.
I have been happier than I've been.
I had gotten so sad.
So beyond depressed.
This is for the best.
I hope.

Tomorrow is just going to suck.

7.What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same?

Intresting.
I don't believe I've ever really talked about religion.
I've questioned erything since I was little.
I was raised half Catholic half Christian.
Church with Grandma and Papa one weekend.
With my mom he next.
It was all the same to me.
He stood up there and talked down to everyone.
No matter what church.
They lost my intrest really quick.

I beieve in reincarnation.
100%.
This is probably why I don't believe I will ever die.
I also believe a baby should always be baptized.
Even if its non-denominational like I was.
I believe there is something.
I don't know what.
But isn't that what makes it so great.
The wonder.
The make-believe whatever you want/need it to be.
As long as you can believe something.
Anything.
Your life can't be wrong.

Get it.

Made mashed potatos for dinner.
For the first time in my life I get how she did it.
Lee.
As the water boiled I understood.

I don't have anything else.

It's cold again

It's May 14th.
The heat should not be on.
But it is.

I did physical labor today.
I felt great.
Hurt my ankle more.
But thats how I work.
I dug out 2 of my mom's bushes.
Made a big difference up front.
Now is time to rest.
Took my asprin for my foot.
No plans for tonight.
Think I may have an underworld marathon.
Seems like an excellent idea.

6.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?

I wouldn't.
Everything that has happened in any way in my life has made me me.
I may not be all to happy with that person today.
But I was once.
And I will be again.
And I wouldn't ever change anything.
I wouldn't be me without all the happiness.
Sadness.
Excitement.
Tragedy.
Joy.
Anything.
Everything in your life is you.
How could you want to change you?
If you changed something, who you are could be completely different.
I'm not ok with that.
I want to see the outcome of me.
With all my life intact as it is and as it falls.

5.List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.

I like my bad habits.
I like biting my nails.
I don't bite them often.
I don't actually bite them off.
So I don't think it's so bad.

I close myself off.
I get depressed and don't care to talk to anyone.
I like to stay in bed.
I cry a lot.
I don't know how to fix these things but I'm working on them.
Best I can.
It gets hard.
I just need time I guess.

4.What music album would be used for a movie about your life?

Stupid blogger was down yesterday so I'm doing both today.

I don't think just one album works.
So I'm going to go with Green Day in general.
They have a song for every mood.
For me.
Pretty much any situation can be covered by them.
For me.

Something Borrowed

Would have probably been good.
I loved the book years ago when I read it.
It was different now.
Won't see it again.
Need to get trashed.

3.Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

Artichoke candles.
Sure they are candles so not entierly useless.
But I will never light them.
Hello! They are candles in the shape of artichokes!
My mom found them somewhere years ago.
Had to get them for me.
I think she got them for my birthday one year, maybe.
There are two of them.
They just sit on my shelves.
Not doing anything but being awesome.
I love artichokes.
They are my favorite vegetable.
My favorite food.
I enjoy having my friends try them.
Not many people have just eaten them outside of dip.
I haven't met anyone that hasn't liked them yet.

These are obviously not my candles as they are lit, lol.
But this is them.

2.What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?

1. Facebook.

I like to see what people are up too.
I have a lot of people I never get to see and this is how I talk to them.
I also really like some of the games.
Even though I'm often just sitting there watching TV while on.
I post a lot of my photography there too.

2. Yahoo/Gmail

I check my email.
Lol.
I get a lot of spam.
But some of it can be entertaining.
And it's not really spam, it's stupid crap I've signed up for.
Not all that entertaining.

3. People

Yep, I'm on of those.
Up to date on all the celebrity gossip.

4. IMDB

I watch a lot of movies.
I like to know what people have been in.
If I like them, I may like more of their movies.
If you watch a movie with me and have a question, chances are I can answer it.
And if I can't give me like 10 minutes.

5. It's not just one site

I have Stumbleupon downloaded.
It's just a button on my toolbar.
But it can take up a pretty good amount of time if you've got nothing going on.
It brings up so many different things.
I have found some of the greatest pictures on there.
Some great recipes.
And am learning Russian because of this.
One of my favorites I've come across is below.
Enjoy :).

It's fantastic and highly recommended.

1.Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Beans.

She was my favorite babydoll.
She was in my safe deposit box when I worked at the bank.
When I quit she was in a bag.
Accidently was thrown away.
She was little and so torn up.
I even dropped her in the toilet a few times.
She just couldn't hold herself up while potty training, lol.
I had to have been fun for my mom.
She talked.
Until I somehow broke the string in her back off.
Then her head just rattled a little.
I loved her.
She had so many "surgeries" as I grew up.
Lucky for me, Grandma is a seamstress.
I had her for long time.
I was about 21 or so when she was lost.
I have random moments where I'd like to be able to pull her out of the closet or box and just hold her.
Like Bud (my bear from my first birthday).
Or Fluffy (my blanket from when I was born).
I love that I have these things from childhood.
They make me happy when I'm sad.
Comfort me when I'm sick.
So many people don't have these things.
I feel so lucky my mom saved them for me.
This isn't an actual pictre of mine but one I found online.
She was beautiful :).

Found

I found this website, 80 Journal writing prompts.
80 questions that could be very intresting.
I am going to attempt to one everyday.
See how that actually goes.
I think it seems like a good plan.

Stronger



Stumbled

I was on stumbleupon today.
It's been awhile.
I can across a "Who is you Philosophy Guru" test.
So of course I took it.
This was my outcome:

Your recommended philosophy-guru is PYRRHO OF ELIS.
Key fact: Pyrrho is traditionally known as the founder of the Sceptical school of philosophy.
Must have: Patience with yourself.
Key promise: Tranquillity born of suspending disbelief.
Key peril: Trying to hold onto little in life can be tough.
Most likely to say: "Don't worry: be happy."
Least likely to say: "There is an answer to everything."

Seems pretty fitting for me.

Reading this...

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/jesse-james-how-i-confessed-affair-to-sandra-bullock--2891

I understood how she felt.
I understnd why she couldn't look at him.
I know how much it hurt her for him not to touch her.
As she cried.
As he was the reason she cried.
I understand that if he had touched her.
She would have shook him off.
She would have glared into his soul.
Her eyes would have terrified him.
I left.
I left and had to go back to try.
We failed.
But i think for the best.
We are better friends.
And she was right, had been more like friends for a year.
I wonder if S.B. cries still.
I wonder if it's about him.
Or the loss of the relationship.
I wonder what I cry over.
Sometimes I cy when it's not about her.
But of who we were at another time.
We weren't those people anymore.
I don't know that I could be her anymore.
Or would want to be.
I want to love who I am.
I want to be me again.
But older.
Smarter.
Different.
I loved what we had.
But that was another life.

Sleep

Still can't sleep for shit.
Would love nothing more than to have a none drug induced sleep.
Sleep.
Once I fall, I'm out for at least five hours.
Five hours shouldn't excite me.
But it does.

I feel good otherwise.
I felt not hurt the past few days.
I felt ok.
Pretty good even.
Still do.
Just tired.
Tired and in the mood to make out.
This is what happens when I watch a lot of How I Met Your Mother.
Weird.
Yep, def weird.
But it works for me.

A Quote

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

A friend posted this quote on facebook.
It spoke loudly to me.
I need to remember this for always.
I forgot before.

New

Yesterday.
Started well.
Had a good time with Rachael.
Then it all hit me.
Hard.
Again.
Cried in front of a friend.
I hate that.
Came home.

After a bit felt much better.
Talking helped.
Not about any of it.
But other stuff.
Got my mind off of it.
Actually felt happy.
Got ice cream with my mom.
Weird.
If you know me.
And my hate for ice cream.

Today seems good.
Got a second interview.
Thursday.
Going to see a movie.
Rio.
Looks funny.

Today feels good.
Today feels new.
Today.
I hate to go into a stupid Smashing Pumpkins song.
Especially since I don't really like them.
But Today feels right.

"Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever kown
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long"

And for today thats all I want.
For today to be good.
One day where I don't cry.
One day where I feel great.