Just is

Lonely.
Still can't always get out of bed.
Don't really want to start the day.
Watched the stupid wedding.
Got back in bed to cry.

It is what it is.
It just is.
Another bad day.

1 week down

It's been a full week.
One full week away.
One full week "Home".
The past few days were hard.
Friends, family (one in the same for most) helped.
A lot.
More than they could ever know.

Still the past few days were hard.
Today was better.
I tried to make no plans for yesterday and today.
See how I do when everyone is busy.
Did ok.
Last night was bad.
Really bad.
But...
Only for like 20 minutes.
This is good right?

I figured out finally,
there is no "right answer".
I've been trying to find this answer.
This answer that doesn't exist.
We have to do what is best for "Us".
For me, for her.
Right now it's working.
Being alone.
Being single.
I'm adjusting.
I guess.
I'm trying to remember I have people.
People I can call/text.
People I can talk to.
It's hard to remember.
After secluding yourself for so long.
Not talking for so long.

Fell like Melinda Sordino.
Like I have so much to say.
No idea how to start.
So I stayed silent for so long.*
Now to speak.
(Ha great movie referrance)

(*Anyone that may read this, it was not her fault, I got my self into my depression so deep that I didn't talk. She is at no fault for that, I chose to not get help.)

I think I'm doing better.
But as Ann says, "The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets."
Thank you Poppy Z.

Birthday

31.
I am now 31.
It doesn't feel any different.
Had a lot of fun.
Saw a great group of people.
Lonely.
Was drunk and happy last night.
Still lonely though.
I miss the company.
I miss the company that is more than a friend.
But I also miss my best friend.
The one I talk to about everything.

I am loving being with everyone.
Seeing everyone I missed so much.
I wouldn't change this for anything.
Just need time.
Need distraction.
Need to not sit at home.
Been doing a great job of being out.
Keeping busy.
Just need time.
Time.
Time that is taking too long.

Got to ride the train around the mall today.
That was awesome!

Plans

Plans.
Plans.
Plans.
I went for a year with no plans.
I've been here less than a week.
And have plans to make more plans.
I'm loving every minute of it!

Interview

Intrview Friday at 11.
At Motherhood Maturnity.
I need this to go well.
I need to not freak.
Which would be a first.
Which would be about right.

I've always interviewed well.
I've gotten every job I've interviewed for.
But I'm not exactly in the same place I've always been.

I'm a little worried.
I'm a little curious how I'll do.
It should be ok, right?

I'm really excited even though it's just part time.
But if I can get in anywhere right now, it'd be perfect.
Maybe get two jobs, save enough and get my own place.

I've never lived alone.
I've always been nervous.
I think it would be good for me.
Quiet too.
Quiet scares me.
In the quiet all those little noises make me jump.

Well now

Dead to me.
The one is literally dead to me.
Not positive why trying making my life miserable is necessary.
But whatever.

Makes for a shitty day.
Didn't want to wake up.

One cousin posted that she's going to make this an awesome week.
Say "meh to negativity."
She's wise.
Wiser than me.
Going to try my hardest to follower her on this.
I need to.
I'm moving on.

Spent time with the favorite uncle and cousin last night.
Made my day much better.
I missed them both.
I love them both.
The cousins new girlfriend is awesome.
They made me happy.
Just hanging out.
What I need to do a lot of.

The cats are adjusting to their new home.
It'll take some time.
Cadee will come around more everyday.
Miles is already adjusted.
Can't figure out why the other cat won't play with him.
She will in time.

Time.
Time goes so fast.
Time will help.

Here

I am here.
Here is where I am.

My moms house.
Stole my sisters bed.
Under my comforter.
Not feeling very comforted.

Xanex.
Xanex.
Xanex.
Not helping me sleep.
Not doing much of anything.
Not needing the help I'm sure everyone thinks is needed.

Feeling hopeless about the starting over part.
At the living at my moms part.
At the no job part.

No job.
Fun.
No money.
Fucked.

No money
No sex.
No sleep.
No nothing.

Just no.

Today's view on Love

Their coming.
My mom and Randy.
Thank god for Randy.

I have the most amazing people in my life.
And I will be close to them all again soon.

Got a text today.
"Just stay fabulous! And you'll get throught this with finesse and style!"
Amazing.
My cousin.
She makes me smile.

They all make me smile.

I love my family.
My friends.
My makeshift family.
The ones I chose.
And the ones I had thrust on me.

a little better

Today is a better day.
A new day.
Fresh.

Making plans with friends back home.
This is a big help.
They have all helped so much.
Just by talking to me about inane things sometimes.

Just need to finish packing.
Need to finish.
But need Ihop first...

2:22am

Awake.
Can't sleep.

Never sleep right now.
Too many thoughts keep me awake.

Can't take nyquil everynight, right?
Not healthy to force sleep.
I'm only guessing here.

The cats all lay around me, trying to sleep.
Now I keep them up...such a change.
Such hatred for my insomnia.


Watched Mama Mia tonight, forgot about "Slipping Through My Fingers" :/
Sucked.
Cried.
Felt dumb.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Starting over

I'm packing.
I'm packing to move half way across the country.
Again.
Alone.
Again.

I'm getting rid of all the things I dont need, can't use or have outgrown.
Fi & do, my two headed stuffed delmation?
Gone
All those clothes I don't wear because they don't fit or I just don't like them?
Gone.
The two tons of books I'll never read again?
Gone.

My wife?
Staying here.
Not my wife any longer.

This is why I am so lost, 7 years of being with someone, you don't lose yourself you become an "us" & "them". You don't remember how to be a "me". I liked who I was before, I liked who I was during. Now to find the "me" that has grown from all of this.