Projects

I have 3 projects I'd like to get done in the next 6 months.
Get the kitchen/hallway painted.
Finish decorating bathroom.
Get started on the large frame project (post more about that later).

We are painting the kitchen/hallway tomorrow.
I'm working on the artwork for the bathroom.

Currently

I am 36 years old.
I have a daughter and husband.
Yes they come in that order, it has been discussed.
We have a dog, 3 cats and a turtle.
We live in a wonderful house and I get to stay home and care for my family.
Which is what I love.
Which is what I've always wanted.

I admitted myself to inpatient treatment 2 months ago.
My husband says he hasn't seen the real me in 2 years.
But he now gets glimpses.
He loves me.
I know this.
But I'll always worry.

I did 2 weeks in an intensive outpatient program (iop).
It was the best thing I could have done.
All of it.

The past 2 days I have been stuck in a panic attack.
I've taken care of the triggers that were helping cause it.
I'm currently anxious as shit.
It is 8:20pm and I am exhausted and in bed already.

They ask you constantly 1-10 what's your number?
Husband does this also.
It's cute and sweet when he does it.
It was medically when they did.

4.
I'm a fucking shrub.

Tomorrow is another day.
Let's see how I wake up.

😕

Can't

I can't do this.
It all hurts.
It all is crashing.
And yet nothing is wrong.
I should be happy beyond belief.
And yet I have to take xanax to get through the day lately.

I can't so this.
Getting off my island, the couch.
It's hard.
Even when it's for her.
I'm afraid for her.
Not of anything I would do.
But the world can hurt her.
Like it's hurt me.

I can't let this happen.
But I don't know how to stop it.
I'm lost in my world.
It's on it's end.
I cry all the time.
I try to hide it behind a smile.
It works for the most part.

I shouldn't have done this,
I hate these feelings.
Feelings of nothing.
Trying to explain to someone is useless.
I can't feel.
I don't even care that I don't feel.

My Daughter

I have a daughter.
I have someone that relies on me for literally everything.
She is amazing.
She is hard.
She is perfect.
It melts my heart to see him with her.

They are my world.

Start of a derby girl

I did it.
Since I was about 12 all I've wanted was to join roller derby.
And I did it.
Like seriously.
I am Broken Barbie.
I am a Southland Slasher.
This is ridiculous to me.
I have my first bout on October 5th.
I am going to actually play with these woman that are insanely awesome.
I am going to get my ass beat.
But I am going to hit back.
With love.

Seriously?

Only took nine months.
Nine months to realize your not perfect.
Not the same but not all together different.
One chance.
That's all there is.
I won't be her again.
I won't be hurt like that again.
I won't let you.
Or anyone.
It sucks though, I thought you were so much better.
I'd hoped so much I wouldn't have this feeling ever again.

The difference over a year makes.

I can't believe its  seen so long since I've written here.
So much has changed, I've changed so much.
I have a boyfriend, have had him for four months now.
He's amazing, so good for me.
He makes me feel so good about myself and makes me want to be better for him.
I'm madly in love with him.
He's moving in with me and my roommate in a few weeks.
:-)